Bustknuckle Bard

Gah...Blue Gender, issoboring.

Tonight turned out better than I thought it would. I'd been in a pretty bad mood all day, seemingly for no reason (although the thinking too much didn't help the situation, but that's just me), and Josh came in around 6pm. Eventually we made our way upstairs, as we always do. Tonight, though...was so different.

He just lay there, one arm and leg draped over me, and the world lost us. Everything was blanketed in a soft blue from the sky outside; the whole room looked to be cut from some indie film. A gentle rain had been coming down steadily all day, tapering just enough by the time we'd come upstairs to become a whispering, breathing creature. And we laid there, connected with each other, his head resting just inside my arm. I felt a peace and a happiness there that I never normally feel. Every piece of that huge puzzle was in place; every rhythm fell in with the next and, independent of us, the world outside was a symphony. I would just look down at him every once in a while, my beautiful prince, admiring him. His eyes have turned gray, and they're just as brilliant as the blue.

Everything's perfect now. A life to ourselves, someday a marriage and maybe even more than that. No more fear or uncertainty, no more so-called friends pushing us around. No more bitter little creatures throwing property damage temper-tantrums because they can't have what they want. Things can only get better.

Ack! As soon as Friday, we'll be in our new home. I grin like an idiot when I think about it.

Ooh, Trigun's on. And Legato Bluesummers has made his debut! That means this journal entry is over, people. Jaa.

( Leik OMG a survey!!!11111oneone )

Yay, internet came back!

I finally got to see our apartment yesterday, and I'm so incredibly impressed with Josh for finding something so great. It's a great big, spacious, sunlit place overlooking part of my old neighborhood. Lots of room for all my stuff (except maybe my FFX poster O_o;;), a seemingly quiet place to live. I loved it, and now I'm getting all excited thinking about moving day. We've got utilities taken care of, and I don't think we'll be worrying about gas for a couple of months since the central air runs on electric. I really can't wait to get in there ^__^;;

Menchi pierced my cartilage for free last night. Ow...it bled forever, and (TMI) the blood was all clotty and thick. Methinks that's an unimportant detail, but it was freaky nonetheless. Today it really does look like I just got my cartilage done...I never wanted ear piercings, they're so fuckin' gay. Blah.

Note to self: .hack//Outbreak, new tattoo, new piercing, in that order.

Oh! Before I forget...I saw this link in Gail's journal after Josh told me about it, and OH EM GEE!!! I'm tempted to stick it in my user info! Any non-yaoi lovers should click that and rejoice; anybody I know who's a yaoi fan, please skip over it. And anyone I know or don't know who's a yaoi fan, and I don't like you? STARE INTO THE COLD, BLOODSHOT EYES OF TRUTH, BITCHES!!!!!!!oneoneone

Heh.

Yes, well...speaking of gay sex, I now know where all those *cough* charming analogies come from in reference to it. Owie.

And on that note! *GRIN* Jaa.

Cartoon Network seems to be the screen saver 'round these parts. It's what we all idle on after a while, mainly because (I think) there's nothing terribly bad on the channel. Except Jackie Chan Adventures, that is.

Well...what's today? We're going to be all moved in around the fifth. And then I can revel in the knowledge that nobody will know where to find me unless I want them to. That'll be nice. April's still trying to find me, it seems, and other people are stalking my friends' journals, so all of that will be remedied soon. All that needs happen is for everything to go smoothly, and that's a certainty. Might need to find a dollie for the range and refrigerator, but I think Paul has one.

Almost done with Lufia, people. I'll have something written up for it in the next week or two. And anyone who wants/needs a phone number and address will have them soon, as well. *Nudges Elaine*

I've been watching Fushigi Yuugi recently. Watching it over, that is. I'd forgotten how good a series it was...I mean, besides Miaka being as annoying as all hell. I identify with Nuriko in every sense of his character; I've always liked him, even before I'd seen a second of the series. Episode 26 is gonna suck, though...*sigh*

Dammit, still need to finish RahXephon O_o;;

Lately I feel completely out of the circle, so to speak. I haven't written anything really good recently. Tried to get something out for Ascher last night and it came out completely wrong. I saved the draft anyway, but I still hafta just sit there and go "...yeah. Sucks." I'd really, really like to keep going at Denam, but something's gone dry in regards to that story. Maybe all I need is to get out and do some more exploring in town. The only way I'm going to make Coshocton sound interesting, Biblical fiction or not, is to find something interesting about it. So far, the only thing I've ever liked about Coshotcon is Josh.

Speaking of which...*grins like an idiot*

Guh...I feel dehydrated.

( The fucking hell... )

Yes, you go Janus. You...sex demon you. I thought Gray would get that before Janus. As a side note, I used Janus because typing in my own name would get me the same result as my boyfriend.

I'm listening to Fiona Apple! I haven't listened to Fiona Apple in a long time, and I missed her and her sultry angsty voice SO! I'd like to think that I could make music like her some day. We can only hope, ne?

Saw "Freddy vs. Jason." It was a marvelous piece of death dream darkness! I won't spoil the ending, but I will say it's not as hokey as I thought it would be. Go see it. Your friendly neighborhood minstrel highly recommends it, especially if you're even a remote fan of either series.

Nothing else to say, really. Except that, even though I just spent three or four hours with him, I want Josh back. I could do with a nice, long, lazy cuddle. As it stands, all I have as a substitute is a growing headache and a level 30 Edward. Yes...I don't want him to go. He's too precious to me, and somehow I've managed to make him more powerful than Yang. Someone explain that?

Anyway. Time for more Fiona and a happy-but-sulky attempt at gaming. Jaa.

[edit:] Just in case anyone is curious, I got my haircut today. Forgot to mention. And for a few precious moments, I was enjoying it and thinking that I might actually look semi-attractive. But then I was reminded of how curly and unruly my hair is, and how boring the color, and my mind started going in directions other than my hair...and we all know that's a bad thing.

I'd kill to look better than I do, yeah. If I could just pluck a few of those anime/movie/game characters out of their reality and do...something to make myself resemble them, I would. Because a lot of the time, I can look at Arima and Gateau and Sabin and all those fucking movie stars, and I think "way to throw it in my face."

No matter what anyone else tells me, I still will never be good enough. No big deal, though. I'm used to not being good enough.

( Yay. )

Like I needed anyone to tell me that. I guess that negates this recent effort to put out more public stuff, and that's part of the reason I haven't been enthusiastic about it. Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks of what I write?

I keep having weird dreams again. I know a couple of nights ago I had a particularly strange one, but I didn't get to a paper and pen or the computer in time to keep it in my memory. Note to self: dream journal on the night stand would be a good idea. Anyway, though, last night's was the usual faire.

I and a group of other people were in the middle of this huge building. I can't say what it was, exactly, because it kept changing shape. We were running from a variety of...things, all of them hard to explain. Some were blurry and didn't register to my vision, and some of them were simply humans whose skin had been ripped from their bodies, leaving them bloodied and sore-looking. Some of the creatures were huge behemoths resembling minotaurs or something very large and frightening out of a survival horror game or something. Physical appearances aside, these things weren't the friendliest ever. They were chasing us all down, one by one, through this ever transforming place. One moment we were in a normal-looking house with white curtains and cherrywod furniture. The next moment, it was a large Japanese-style schoolhouse, replete with sliding doors and open balconies. That image stays for a while, in a strange way. Finally, the transforming space settled on a huge warehouse, peppered with large pieces of equipment and story-high crates. By thie time, our group had been whittled down to maybe five people. I'd been protecting a small girl, keeping her out of harm's way, all the way through. We rushed through the far door and ended up in a small room, resembling the Japanese high school from before. In a bed (and American bed) in the corner was my mother, just idly playing some sort of board game. We all insisted she leave, that she was in danger, but she didn't listen. I asked everyone to leave and said something about leaving this place negating "their" power, but they didn't listen either. Then I bolted with the little girl.

Outside...looked just like my old neighborhood on Elm street, before the houses were torn down in favor of parking lots. I was running away from what felt like the old house, right through the yards that didn't exist - I even remember seeing Lacy's swingset passing by. We finally settled on the back steps of a smaller, run-down house; I let the girl catch her breath and told her that we were never coming back to that place, ever. Anything she left behind - anyone - would remain. She judt nodded and smiled.

The next thing I know, we're hanging out in a slightly altered version of the fairgrounds. The walls were higher and there was no fence on the outside edge. The girl and I were walking together, talking with each other, and she asked me to sing for her. I was up on the abandoned stage, then, singing a slower song for her. Sort of a haunting image; this girl, an audience of one in an abandoned town. Someone approached me after the song and asked me to come back to the place we'd escaped. They said that all our suffering would end if we just gave up. I shook my head, took the little girl's hand, and walked away. Then I rolled over and realized that I'd slept until 11:30, heh.

I'd still really like to know where this strange world I see in my dreams comes from. It seems like a world completely independent from reality, and yet whenever I try to "escape" it like I did last night, in any sense of the word, I notice an immediate melding of that world and the real world. Usually the real world that used to be, in the past or specifically my childhood. It's no exhaggeration to call my dreams Kafka-esque...but there's so much more to them than that. There's an undercurrent of complete shadow, and always these creatures I see in sleep have some sinister goal. It's ranged anywhere from harvesting humans for food to decorating their homes with our corpses. Hell...if I had any talent with film, I could possibly have beaten out most other horror film writers. My dreams, principally, are why I'm not scared by things that frighten other people. I usually sit in the theatre or on the sofa and think "yeah. That thing I dreamed about last night was much worse than this."

Maybe I'm just fucking insane, eh? O_o;;

Well, to end on a brighter note. Something compelled me to look through old journal entries last night, and I got to Josh's journal. It made me very happy, seeing the way his feelings sort of blossomed after a while. The way mine did. And the whole time, everyone else is just sitting around going "come on and say it already!!!" I dunno...it just left me with a very warm, soft feeling inside. The kind of feeling he always gives me, anyway. I had to stop on Octover 20th of last year...that was a good memory to go to bed with.

But yeah. I bust out all kinds of subject matter at once, don't I? ph33r my journalling prowess, j0.

Gods do I need coffee.

*Bored look* I guess I'm a lot more of an "authority" on anime now than I used to be. As such...I should probably say that anyone with my taste in anime (read: decent) should probably avoid Blue Gender. I just...can't enjoy it for a few reasons. It seems like it's trying to be more than it really is, for one. Every other minute it's all Bug!Angst and that gets old really fast. The storyline's been played out in countless other movies and anime already, and the characters are pretty much unmemorable. Music's lackluster, too. I dunno, taking Kikaider off was a good idea because it got old really quickly, but Blue Gender's getting old and I haven't even seen every episode like I did Kikaider.

I'm beginning to shy away from "TV anime" more and more, I'm noticing. I'm by no means an officionado, of course, but by now I have definitely seen more anime than most people can say. A good amount of the stuff American networks pick up is pretty boring compared to the anime you'd have to look for. Yeah, FLCL is damned amazing...but there were only six episodes. Cartoon Network showed Lain and Eva a while back...but only for a week or two. InuYasha's good, and Trigun's a hell of a good anime as well, but the former disappeared for a while and the latter isn't complete in network format. Cowboy Bebop...it could be good. And it's more mature, in some ways, than the stuff CN is showing earlier. They just need to program stuff like Cowboy Bebop more often. I'd be elated to see something like RahXephon or Witch Hunter Robin on TV (so long as the dub isn't unbearable, that is). Unfortunately, America can't get past the concept of anime being "cartoons" and made more for children when both statements are completely contrary in truth. I could totally see WHR making a primetime slot on Cartoon Network, right at the beginning of Adult Swim. Hell, it'd put "Adult" back in the title. But that'll never happen. The only anime that become TV anime are either vapid and pointless to begin with (YuYu Hakusho), or are heinously butchered until they appear that way (Sailor Moon seems like a good example). Or, in neither of those cases, the dub is a hackneyed job like Trigun. I don't think American TV will ever learn to take anime seriously. Good thing for distribution companies, eh?

Maybe I'm just bitter about Blue Gender because Marlene stole Armitage's hairdo. *Shrug*

.hack//SIGN is over, I think. They'll probably show it over again, and maybe if we're lucky they'll show the OVA as well. If not, I can always watch it anyway. Which reminds me that I really need to catch up on RahXephon and Yami no Matsuei...

Gods, I'm geeking out tonight.

I think I'm about three fourths of the way through Lufia4 (might as well cover all areas of geekdom), so those who care can expect something for it soon.

Despite a bit of unrest, tonight has been a good night. Reminiscing with Josh about our first meeting and other things back then...it's a little surreal. Thinking that we've only been together for nearly a year, not five or ten by now. I just feel like we've always been together. It's a comfort...an unexplainable comfort. He makes me happier than anything ever has.

And with that, Trigun!

Ooh...Maroon 5 is a good band. Unique sound, not as campy as half the pop and numetal bands out there, and the lead singer is one talented mutha. Melikes. Josh gets whipped for buying this for me, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

I've successfully managed to, like, not straighten my hair for the past few days. And it feels strange as all hell, but my hair seems to be doing better. I've decided that I'll queen out just a bit in the near future and get it chemically straightened. See if it doesn't mess it up completely.

Gah! Migraine.

I kinda realized the weirdness of my last entry this morning. I mean, it's not as though I enjoy people I've unfriended coming back to read this thing every once in a while. It makes me paranoid as all hell, to be honest, and in the case of people I no longer want to know exist, it makes me angry because they have no right to know me anymore. There are just some people that I know too well, really. Hence my putting a stop to public entries a while ago. There was this whole "thing" going on, and I thought it better to deprive people their reasons to perpetuate things. But then I remembered how some people I know have ex-friends' journals bookmarked and such, and read them so they can stay bitter about things. That got me thinking.

Now I'm fine, though. Y'all (whoever y'all are) can read whatever you want. Doesn't change the fact that you can't see the really important stuff. Yeah, I know that friends-only entries are supposed to be "weak" and "cop-outs" according to the LJDrama and LJReview people. Why should I care about them and people like them anyway, though? All they do is make fun of other people to inflate their own egos. I refuse to be that sort of person any longer.

Okay...not just a migraine, but an annoying one. Time to, like, not be sitting right in front of a monitor. Jaa.

I'd forgotten how strange it is to make public posts. Friends-only stuff is nice, mainly because of the control you have over it. I have about six friends filters, because some information's just not for everyone. Not to mention that depriving drama queens of pertinent information is fun, and I have and have had lots of drama queens on my frends list.

It is strange, though. Because now I'm just dipping my hand in the pool again, so to speak, and already seeing the results. I barely update my journal anymore, at least with entries that anyone but myself could read. Private's the way to go, because when I get angry or frustrated with someone (as often I do), it's better that they not know what I'm thinking. I can be very violent *grin*

All those "public eye" quirks are showing up again, though. Like being silly in place of giving people something interesting to read. More private entries that would otherwise be friends-only anyhow. People who aren't on my friends list and should really just be moving on with their lives coming back to read up on me, on the off chance that I might mention them *cough* Nothing new. I've been through it all before.

Getting an itch to write another random game thingimajigger. The problem is, I dunno which game to cover; everything I've been playing recently's either been covered already, or very slow in progress. So, opinions. Which game(s) should I write something up for, friends list people? It's between these:

.hack//Infection and .hack//Mutation
Unlimited SaGa
Lufia: The Ruins of Lore

Keep in mind that if I get enough votes for .hack, I'm going to have to play them both through again. I conquered them both in record time, and as such they aren't fresh in my mind right now. Lufia is, though, but I dunno how many people are big fans of it (damn underappreciated RPGs) and I haven't conquered it yet. Gimme another couple of days, though ^_^;;

*Sigh* a whole other month to wait for .hack//Outbreak. Fuck you, Bandai. At least I can kill time watching RahXephon. You should look that one up, Anthony. You might like it.

Something's telling me to rewrite my user info because it sounds, like, really not like me at all. Maybe I'll just leave it blank for a while; I've been noticing that people with blank bios just ooze friends on Lj. Maybe it's the mystery. Maybe it's curiosity. Maybe it's the fact that among online journalers, nothing is sacred *coughs again*.

Maybe I should stop writing this and either play Lufia or watch AKIRA. Josh is coming over tomorrow with Eddie Izzard! *Hops up and down like an idiot*

Yep. Jaa.

Oh, this is fun.

I feel like watching Mahou Tsukai Tai now, for some reason. It's probably because Josh brought over one of his new volumes of His and Her Circumstances, and Lisa Ortes (sp?) does Shibahime's voice, and I can't help but be reminded of Nanaka. Somehow, I think I suck at spelling either of those names. Meh.

It was a very nice visit, anyway, despite my unreasonable character/voice association games that I play. Some time tonight, I need to get up and wash dishes. Preferably before .hack//SIGN so's I can enjoy it fully. I really hope Outbreak comes out soon; I'm itching to use that data flag from Mutation and see what happens next. Hopefully my suspicions as to the identities of Maha and Mia are proven right in the near future.

Lufia: The Ruins of Lore was just what I needed for an old skool fix. It's the right blend of Zelda, Dragon Quest, and Lufia itself for me to be addicted already. I highly suggest that anyone with a GBA who enjoys that sort of thing pick it up. S'fun to play.

And with that, Josh calls. Jaa, minna.

Long time no update. Publically, at least. I think I'm going to start writing some public entries again, if only because the last few I have listed are probably intimidating for anyone who stumbles upon my journal.

I wanna play something old skool, dammit. Started a game of Lufia2 and stopped; started into 7th Saga and stopped. I want to play Destiny of an Emperor, but I know it won't last despite how good the game is. A couple of days ago, I even broke out FF4...and now that's apparently fostered a desire to purchase or download the soundtrack. If only for the Overworld and Underworld themes, because they're both really beautiful pieces of music. Uematsu didn't suck back then...

We had a pretty intimidating power outage yesterday. It was strange, because one building would be completely out of power, and the one right beside it would be fine. Driving down 2nd street to get Menchi to the vet was a weird experience; Wendy's and Dairy Queen were swamped absolutely because they were the only places with power. But it gets weirder. Apparently Cleveland and/or Columbus are without power now? I've got the news going and they say that New York City, Detroit and its surrounding areas, and Toronto are being affected as well. This leads me to ask...John? Elaine? You guys okay over there?

Everybody's saying it's terrorism again. *Eyeroll* Blah.

So we're moving at the beginning of next month. I really can't wait, because I think this'll be such an exciting thing. Josh and I have both been sort of sappy about things lately, I've noticed, and we agree that by the time we move in it will be pretty much necessary. I've been missing him a lot more recently, and thinking about him about twice as much as I normally do. Methinks I'm more in love than before. Nothing wrong with that, of course; I adore my Josh, and I'm looking forward to sharing a home with him. And I got the greatest idea earlier, too. Matthew and I should make weekly trips to the antique mall as something to do when Josh is working. I love that place, and I think Matthew would/does, too. HAven't been there in a while, either, so who knows what they might have?

Right now it's just me and Menchi. Josh left this afternoon, Erik went to work, and Cass is...well, somewhere. Breathing room is nice; I don't need much, but I need some. Now if only I could squelch the music next door. Maybe some Iceman would put them in their place...? ^_~;;

Unless you're on my friends list, this is all you're going to see. Everything from this point on is friends-only, due to the fear that you people might rub your stupid off on me.

Need to know something, then? Okay. I'm Joshua. I'm angsty, but intelligently so. I'm gay, but not a queen. I'm a writer, but dammit that doesn't mean I have to be arrogant about it. I'm very emotional, very intense, and very guarded. You'd be lucky to get my middle name out of me.

With that in mind, I'm cutting off this little dose of requisite fuckrodding before it gets any more annoying. If you want added or something like that, drop me a comment. Might take me a while to get to it, but I promise I will.

I'm really not as mean and cynical as I come off. Sage advice; don't write things like these during a bad mood. In fact, don't write them at all. They're pretentious and asinine. Especially if accompanied by a graphic. Yes, I am aware that I'm a hypocrite. Bite me ^_~;;

If there's anything else you might want/need to know (as unlikely as that might be), feel free to mosey on over here. I update it pretty often. And if you're one of a few "special" people, there's an equally "special" message just for you, so run, don't walk!

Anyway. Hi.

P.S. Something you should probably know before you contemplate adding me, as this little note has demonstrated. Nobody gets angrier than me, and nobody wins against me when I do get angry. I'm also one of those people who will drop someone like a bad habit if they somehow prove to me that they're not worthy of the air they're breathing. It's happened more than once in the past.

Didn't know that typing some random, unintelligent words into a client equated to "getting into someone's face." Wow, technology rules or something. Stop lying, you idiot.

I take back everything I said a couple of paragraphs ago. Don't bother adding me. Leave here and never return. I am better than you.

kthxbi :)

This is a world without ports or harbors. Here, I am safe, regardless of the machinations and masked cruelties of others. Don't be fooled; cruelty wears masks. Many of them, called friendship, kindness, destiny. Cruelty owns them all.

This is a world without those who claim to be the martyr or the saint. The claim is the denial. Those who are truly good in this world are those who deny their goodness. Those, however, who proclaim their goodness are the ones who live and die truly and utterly alone.

I am neither good or evil. I'm simply awash in ether and flip-coin chance. Despite such, though...I will not be pushed around, and I will not be made a villain.

Time's been unkind. Friendship has fooled me, because it was never friendship at all. And because of this, every thought and whisper heretofore will be seen only through the eyes of trust. If the words become invisible...the trust has disappeared. It's that simple.

There's nothing more to say. The phone may ring, but I will never answer. There might be raps on the door, but I will never open it. Chances have been given and wasted, and angels have proven themselves demons. The door's being closed for good.

I don't need anyone who would hurt me. For my own good or otherwise. I do not need anyone who would even think to hurt me.

Forget me and I'll forget you. Agree or disagree, it still happens this way. Because I said so. Because your transgression forced this decision on me, and it is mine and only mine to make. Destroy all memory of me, and I will gladly repay the favor in kind.

This is the last of me that you will ever, ever see.

[edit:] Oh, one more fucking thing, since you so eloquently decided to stupid yourself up even more for my benefit:

( Fucking hell. )

[another edit:] Take another look, darlin', cuz I'm seriously not wasting a whole other entry on a pathetic lump like you.

( You haven't seen it all, I guarantee you. )

But anyway. That's almost all I have to say on this particular subject, despite how both involved parties have run it far into the ground. Yes, both parties. I'm dropping it and getting on with my life, secure in the fact that I had every right to say and do the things I have and that I've vindicated myself more than was necessary. I don't care what you think of me. I don't care what your mother thinks of me. I've said it before; pointing out someone else's problems when you have plenty of your own only makes you look like a total fool.

Time to focus on the people and things that really matter. My friends, my family, the boy I love, and the life I intend to make for myself. Time to put aside the machinations of children and remember that no one knows me the way I know myself. Judgment is a petty and disgusting habit, and I regret engaging in it.

Every event in the past week or so has shown me that you never knew me. If you truly knew me, things never would have been taken out of context. If you truly knew me, you'd know why I had to vent about my own mother and how frustrated she makes me a lot of the time. If you truly, truly knew me then you would have talked to me about the situation before putting the proverbial knife in my back. But it's too late for that. It was too late the moment you made the call. And now that I know who you really are, I am in fact giving up on you. On trying to prove my point to you. It was never worth it to even think of explaining. It wasn't worth it to try and beat it into you. You made decisions about me that I apparently had no say in. I'm reminded of the time you went off on a girl you didn't even know for having an abortion or something along those lines. When you barely knew more than her name, let alone her situation. Events like that were what set my intuition into overdrive concerning you, and I suppose I should have listened. I'm done dredging things up, however, so I'll leave that be.

As well as you're supposed to know me...I'm surprised you even remember my name.

What you have to learn, I can't teach you. Just get it through your skull that the same applies to me. You are by no means exemplary. From this point forward, I'm delivering on my word. I don't know you, and you don't know me. Stay as far from me as possible and I'll be sure to do the same.

I'm not taking back anything I've said. I'm just dropping this and leaving it alone because it's tired. It was never worth it in the first place. You never were.

So yeah. Have a nice life. Or don't. Either way, it will matter little to me. What began as nothing ends as nothing, and that's exactly what you are to me. Nothing.

Au revoir.

Well then. Now that I've had some time to sit and think about the past few days' events, I believe I can rest easy. At least about that particular situation, I mean.

I sincerely hope she's happy with herself. For a couple of days, my relationship with my mother was in ruins. Because she saw the things I've said in anger and didn't take them with a grain of salt like most do. Because she got her feelings hurt pretty badly, and all the explanations in the world weren't enough to set things right. But eventually we talked it through enough, and now we're as fine as we ever were. For a few hours today, I'd had the idea in my head that Joshua was going to give up on us...that maybe this was too much for him, and I doubt I would have blamed him. But we're better than ever, and he doesn't think that mom hates him anymore.

People who care don't do things like that. Period. There are no exceptions, regardless of the situation. As for the lying I've supposedly been doing...the only thing I can think of is that I have a friend filter that didn't include her. A lot of my filters don't get much use. I'm not sure what she was getting at, and I'm not sure I care. The cryptic, holier-than-thou stuff really got up my back, though. I'm twenty-one years old and I have a good amount of experience and intelligence. But wait...I suppose that, since I don't have a job or a car right now, that makes me worthless, huh?

Gee. She struck me as different from the people who think that way. She struck me as a little deeper, less material and ignorant. I suppose I was wrong about that one.

She doesn't know better than me. About anything. She doesn't understand me, or what it's like to be me, because she'd sooner own me than coexist with me. She's under the impression, I guess, that her being employed and in college means she's superior to me. Well...considering that she stooped so low as to purpetrate a mock hacking, I guess that claim's null and void now. She's not better than me. She's worse off. When it comes down to it, the facts are clear. She's an eighteen-year-old girl who's trying to act and think like she's older and wiser, and it's coming out as arrogance and narrow-mindedness. Plain and simple.

I hate being bitter about things, so I'm not going to stay that way this time. I could've lost my mother. But I didn't. I could've lost my love. But I didn't. When it comes down to it, those two people understand me infinitely more than she ever has or will. A lot of fucking people understand me better than her. Because they haven't spent all their time scheming up new and contraversial opinions of me behind my back. Because they haven't forked over steaming bowlfuls of soap opera-style drama while I wasn't around to defend myself.

So I haven't lost anything. I have gained, however, a thicker skin. I see fit to use this acquisition to its fullest, and I shall. Not one single entry henceforth will be public. Not one. I'm only going to add people I know and trust, or those who can prove themselves to me somehow...I'll work out the details later. I will not let this happen again.

This is the last time I will allow someone to numb my intuition and manipulate me with kindness. The last time.

Ha.

So now I have to deal with a lot of things I never thought I would. And now I'm sitting here, ready to explode, because I don't feel welcome at all in my own home. Because my mother is now my jailer, and she's handing out orders and demerits as such. Unfortunately for her, it's my choice whether or not I listen to what she says, and I choose not to. I'm not going to be kicked around like this. Even if she decides to fuck over my only way out, I'll find another one.

Since I came home last night...I've felt more and more as though I walked into a complete stranger's home and decided to stay a while. Because things happened that alienated me from her, and her from me, and now everything's ruined. Because someone didn't know how to say no. It would have been as simple as that, too. Say no to the woman; for whatever reason. Because it's my mind she was picking at. Because none of the words contained here are anything new. Because I'm so private a person that I'd kick people out sooner than admit every single thing about myself.

But no. Didn't say no. She claims to care, and she still sold me out, as it were.

I'm tempted to just...run away. And disappear. I feel betrayed, raped, taken advantage of, left for dead, all at once. Not feelings that should be put upon me by people who care.

Nobody cares.

I don't want to be here anymore. as it stands, I don't even want to be alive anymore. I hope you're fucking happy.

Did you know that holding down the X button and pressing start at the Salior Moon RPG title screen, then beginning a new game, works wonders? It starts every senshi out at level 16 with personalized stat boosts. And boy are they ever stat boosts! Neptune started out with 320 Hp and Uranus had only 118. Weird.

I'm beginning to realize just how bad the ideas for sites like LjReview and LjDrama were. More and more I see flaming and arguing and all sorts of petty stuff...and it's justified in an equally petty manner. "These are opinions, not facts." That one just stirs me up...well, no it doesn't, but it gets me thinking. Opinions are dangerous in some contexts. Everyone's allowed them, of course, but that doesn't automatically give people free reign to pass judgment on others simply by way of good spelling skills. I admit, this makes me sound a bit hypocritical. Look at my friends list, though; I don't pick and choose who I friend or unfriend because of their grammar or spelling or whatever. Personally...I think that if your only big argument against a person/journal is that they can't spell, you really haven't spent much time on the internet. Despite appearances. Although certain idiots (who shall remain unlinked) that "omg spel leik this n dont ndrstnd y ppl kant stnd it its onlee the inertnet rofl omg !!!!1111..." yeah, those really get on my fucking nerves.

The biggest problem I have with the LjDrama and LjReview ilk is that they see friends-only journalling as a sort of weakness. Uhm, sorry? I don't know your personally and you've never given me a reason to trust you because...oh wait...because I don't know you. My journal is almost exclusively friends-only because I don't message board and I don't write inane kids' stuff. I write about my personal life. My thoughts and feelings, and about events and people which are dear to and solely effective of me. Therefore, I need not "open up" to people I don't fucking know and allow them to make stolid generalization after stolid generalization about me, my friends, my social life, sexual orientation, religious denomination, whatever the hell is game this week. I don't friends-only because I'm afraid of people. I friends-only because I don't trust people. And why the fuck should I trust people? I live in America!

I dunno *shrug* People seem to think that a friends-only journal indicates an elitist streak, or a cowardice, I suppose. I could've sworn that it meant the friends-only journallers were using this bit of webspace for the purpose it was named after. A journal. I don't advertise. I don't need to advertise. My sporadic public entries are to let random stumblers-on know that yes, even though you don't see many entries I use this journal. If you want to get to know me, then add me. I never refuse to add people back unless I know and despise them.

People who make every single journal entry public (not all of them, but a vast majority) just strike me as...validation whores. Look at the journals belonging to nearly every one of the nonuglies. They're all pretty much public, and with good reason. If people can't read your words, then they can't feign interest and awe. Thusly, they can't pull off the sycophant act and make you feel good about yourself for a while. Now, that might not be the case with every single "read me read me read me" journal out there, but it seems to be the most common.

I just see it this way. Do total strangers want to know about my writing and how bad I think it is? Do they want to hear me angsting loud enough to wake the dead? Do they want to know about my sex life and hear me rambling on all love-sick for my boyfriend? Well...if they're total strangers, and they do want to hear/see all that, then they're run of the mill voyeurs who have no right to any of the infomation. Guess that's a catch-22, huh?

Yeah. Guess so. But some people just think that it's all fair fucking game. Most of the time, they're the same people bitching about anonymous comments, generally ringing of "I don't like you." And what gets me is this. All these people keep every ounce of their lives public...and they still wonder why people are reading and commenting! Ever stop to think that not everyone in the world needs to know who you're sleeping with or how many times your daddy touched you there? Ever stop to think that advertising information like that is almost like dangling raw meat in front of a grizzly bear's face? There are almost one million Ljers out there now, and my best bet is that half of them made a journal just to read other people's stuff and flame it to death. Because some sick bastards get off on that. I've already mentioned some of them in previous entries. Oh, but no direct linking! *Finger waggle* That'd be violating the TOS.

The only entries I publicize are inane quiz results and commentary pieces such as this. Everyone enjoys a good flame once in a while, sure. But receiving them based solely upon the contents of your intimate life...doesn't seem worth it to let it all air out like that. There's a reason for the friends-only filter, you know. It's to keep people from "reviewing" or "picking apart" the things that make you tick. As much fun as it seems to be, and as many people seem to enjoy it (see: voyeurs), that doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it kind, either.

Sure, let's fight cynicism with cynicism. That always works.

*Deep breath*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM!!!

Ya little dictator, you. Love you lots...I'll think of something to buy/do for you shortly, once my brain cools down from all this stress. Hope it was a great day ^_^;;

Further proof of mother's regression into childhood:

I was sort of hungry, so I decided to bake the last of these semi-instant cookies we had stashed in the refrigerator. Mom was getting ready for bed, but the moment she heard the oven turn on she deliberately turned her light back on and stayed up to wait on whatever I was cooking. And when the cookies were done, she didn't even wait until they'd cooled and hardened a bit to snatch a few; she had cookie all over her hands...*sigh*

I can't wait until I get out of here. I'm getting tired of being a father without my own consent.

You know...I need to cease this habit of looking over people's journals whom I've dropped in the past. It's a sort of superiority thing, I guess. I go snooping around to see if they've ruined themselves or become unbearably unhappy as I often prophesy. Andy's in particular just offers hours and hours of eye-rolling, gut-splitting entertainment.

I used to be just like him. I used to think that I always had to be the better man, and that I had to watch myself in everything that I did lest the darker side of me emerge. I thought that things like that were unnatural, and had to be repressed. I also used to think that growing up had to be done all at once; that within a moment's time I was supposed to gain every ounce of wisdom that ever existed, and from that I was supposed to just...exist on a higher plane than most. Underlying everything I did was this unconscious bid for superiority; I wanted to lord something over someone, all the time. In the midst of all this, I became grossly aware of people's perceptions of me. People thought I was arrogant and self-serving. That I was a little too mystic and not enough practicality. It all melded into one congealed, indiscernable puzzle about the time I hit eighteen, and then I realized.

You don't grow up in high school. You don't grow up in college. Enlightenment or wisdom or whatever you want to call it...it isn't a hop-skip-jump thing. You're not born with it; it isn't intrinsic. You have to work for it. Most people worked all their lives. Look at Buddha or Moses. And trying to elevate yourself, morally, from people will only make you feel less attached and more alone than you ever did. The more you try to difference yourself from others, the less you'll see of them.

As for the darker side...it's human nature. Period. I don't see any reason to surpress human nature. I just hope Andy and all those ignorant college kids like him learn what I did, sooner or later. Life is not to be lived in a bubble, and inane things like activism and Buddhism class won't make you any more grown up any faster. In the end...I feel really sorry for him. For everyone like him. They're all so damned lost, and they have no idea that they truly are. Nor will they, until some harsh reality stabs them in the belly and twists the blade sideways. It always happens.

Enough of that.

S'been a good day, despite my cynicism. Joshua stopped by for a little bit, handsome as ever. Shay was here...as evidenced by the halls ringing from the loudest cursing within Ohio borders. We're so alike, she and I ^_^;;

She bought ereryone some Golden Ring for dinner, so that was nice. I asked whether she was going to get it from China Wok or otherwise and Shay just looked at me and went "...China Wok? Honey, I want chicken in my rice, not soggy GRISSLE!"

Mom's a bitch. She always gives me her cabbage roll, and she ate it this time. I hope she chokes on her dentures =P

*Sigh* Anyway. I'm feeling very out of it...kind of lonely, but in a strange, unidentifiable way. I hope I can see Josh again this week, some time or another. Hopefully the house money will come in before the end of the week and I can get my shopping done. Concentrate on apartment-hunting and all. Yeah. Don't feel like breaking into another rant about that subject just now. Hmm.

So yeah. Jaa.

Didn't expect things to end that way. Better than a 'net battle, though O_o;;

And since I'm a boring fucker tonight, y'all are getting a survey.

( Dude... )

Maxwell was wicked frightened of the thunderstorm we had earlier. He was climbing into my lap and bitching and moaning and whoa!annoying. Imagine me, sitting on the couch in the living room, with a 150lb doberman in my lap O_o;;

So yeah...I'm confused, but okay. Was worried about Joshua, but he seems to be okay now. Getting impatient for tomorrow to get here. Quality time, j0. Like I said, I even bought Pringles. Mwaha. I said Pringles.

Oh fuck me, I'm not funny anymore >_<;;

Gods. I downloaded all this Overclocked stuff and I dunno what to pick out and put on a CD. Damn my downloading habits.

And damn my Ps2 for not, like, forming a new game in the drive by osmosis! Muthafucka.

Anyway. Jaa.

Jesus, the world is filled with no-brain fucking morons.

When the only insult you can come up with is "fattie" (which, by the way, isn't even spelled right, let alone correct), people will inevitably draw the spot-on conclusion that you are an idiot with nothing better to do than refresh Ljdrama.org's comment log and try to boost your own Cro Magnon ego. Lovely, children. Lovely ^_~;;

Blah. Best to ignore people like that. Or else insult them in such a high-handed and intelligent manner as to cause their already limited mental capacities to break down and render themselves useless. That works wonders, I find.

*Dance dance* Bring it on, j0.